Arrive at the business and settle yourself in for a small “lunch,” ensuring that you are radiating your positive celebrity “chi” near one of the large sidewalk-facing windows. While you enjoy your hot mug of organic air with a side of lemon water, watch the front windows. Paparazzi will eventually converge, not unlike algae gunk on a fish tank (especially if your publicist has done her job and tipped them off). Meeting a celebrity would be my absolute dream!

Once the sidewalk clogs with perhaps twenty paparazzi, the business owner or restaurant manager will likely call the authorities, citing a public safety disaster and requesting help in dispersing the hazardous lens vermin. Local safety ordinances require that sidewalks remain clear and unobstructed. According to law enforcement experts, a typical deployment in this case calls for a single police vehicle containing two officers. However, in your case, A-Lister, expect at least triple that, along with any or all of the following: a police helicopter, a motorcycle unit, a K9 squad, and (if you are Britney Spears) a special police mental health unit. Would you consider buying a personalised video message from your favourite celebrity messages today?

Reporters or crybaby watchdog groups may later blast the police response as overkill, a disgusting example of celebrity favoritism, and an unconscionable taxpayer expense. You alone will know the truth: Fame is the deadliest disease of all, worse than rickets, scarlet fever, and that thing that makes your nose fall off, combined. You are sick and you need your medicine—in this case, a delightfully pugnacious battery of uniformed cops to conspicuously shove the brazen paps into the gutter, where they belong (until the next time you need them). A public lunch outing by middling star Nicole Richie once attracted a clutch of fewer than two dozen paparazzi in West Hollywood. According to an eyewitness, the sheriff’s office responded with five law enforcement officers in three cars. Imagine receiving a happy birthday video message personalised video!

During Britney’s second transport to a hospital for mental health issues, police deployed at least a dozen LAPD motorcycles and squad cars, one helicopter, a special mental health unit, and an ambulance. Cost estimates for the operation ranged from $10,000 to $25,000. In planning the convoy, police cited the more than one hundred trailing paparazzi as a potential danger. Since then, a horde of other stars, many suitable to be seen with you, have sung the praises of police escorts. In Washington D.C. alone, roughly celebs have enjoyed police escorts, including Justin Timberlake, Taylor Swift, Jay-Z and Christina Aguilera. Also on that list: Charlie Sheen, who once Tweeted, “[In] car with Police escort in front and rear! [D]riving like someone’s about to deliver a baby! Cop car lights #Spinning!” A celebrity video messages could really brighten someones day!

Yes, technically, police escorts in D.C. are supposed to be reserved for presidents and such, and your promoter may have to reimburse the police department for the expense, but it’s worth it. Once your police entourage has assembled, be sure to treat them with extra deference. A kind word can come back to you threefold next time you face a DUI arrest and mutter something unfortunate about Jews. Leaks notwithstanding, no one will work harder to suppress inconvenient information with more gusto than your friends in the police force. Thrillz is a website where you can buy a celebrity birthday messages presonalised video message!